I would be lying if I said that I was completely comfortable in my own skin.
Because I am not.
For as long as I can remember, my insecurities have haunted me and hindered me. They are constantly brought to the forefront of my mind whenever I dream a God-sized dream. I feel inadequate, unqualified and vastly unworthy.
When I was in junior high, this thing called a “slam book” was making its way into popularity. A friend of mine had one and our little group of six girls took turns passing it around and writing things about our classmates and one another in it. Think of the “Burn Book” in the movie Means Girls. It was all cute and funny (as cute as it could be when you are 13) to start with. Until the other girls stopped letting me see the book.
I’m not sure how I ended up finally catching sight of the book after that, but I did. What I saw haunted me for a long, long time. Someone had put in big, bold letters under my name, “HAS A HUGE NOSE” followed by a less than flattering sketch of me and my “huge nose.” Pair with that the fact that my parents and sister always joked about me having pig nose and you can guess that it left me feeling quite a bit insecure.
As I got older, I moved beyond the insecurity my young teenage self experienced in junior high. I even learned to laugh and joke about my nose and my baby sister makes sure to tag me in every pig Facebook post she sees and is always sending me cute pig paraphernalia. Adulthood, however, brings its own set of insecurities.
How much income we earn…
How we choose to parent our children…
Whether we breastfeed or bottle feed…
What kind of schooling we opt for…
What size clothes we wear…
What brand our handbag is…
Whether we take elaborate vacations or not…
What kind of car we drive…
The fact is, we are constantly surrounded by things that make us doubt ourselves and our insecurities. Within our relationships, it’s the constant, “am I good enough?” Within our role as mothers, it’s a never ending, “am I doing this right?” We are always asking if someone else could do it better or if someone else would BE better. Within our jobs and our careers, we are fighting to ensure that we are noticed and not passed over for someone else. Within our social media feeds, we crave the perfect photos and want to put on the perfect front so that no one sees all of our mess.
God loves us. Mess and all.
Aside from the typical physical appearance insecurities that almost every woman I know struggles with (I’m 30 years old and I have had three babies…needless to say I don’t look 21 anymore), the enemy is constantly telling me why I am not fit to do kingdom work-in any way, shape or form. All of those really big, God-sized dreams that I have? The ones that I know for a fact will never come to fruition without God and God alone aiding in that?
The enemy is constantly telling me that no matter how hard I try or what I do, I will never be worthy of that dream. I will never achieve that dream because it doesn’t matter what I do, I will never be good enough. All of the mess that I worry about people seeing and all of the things in my past that I am not proud of are constantly brought to the forefront of my mind whenever I start to take steps toward a dream that God has placed on my heart.
The enemy knows that once my realization of who God made me to be comes full circle, I will be unstoppable. Not because of anything that I will have done, but because I will have tapped into the power of the Holy Spirit that I have been given.
And that power?
That power trumps the enemy and his lies any. day. of. the. week.
Get behind me, Satan. Your days of dictating how I see myself are done.
(feel free to answer in the comments or privately on your own)
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.”
2 Corinthians 5: 17