Growing up whenever anyone asked me what I wanted to be, there were always three things I would say: a wife, a mama and an writer. As I got older, I realized that there was a difference between being a “writer” and being an actual published “author” who makes money from their writing. I have been a writer for as long as I can remember, but do actually get paid to share my words and my heart with people would be something totally different. For now, I just share what God gives me on my tiny little stage that is this blog and Instagram in hopes that one day, I may accomplish the thing I have always dreamed of doing.
God was gracious enough to grant me two of the positions I hoped and prayed for for so long by making me a wife to my husband of almost 12 years and a mama for almost 11. Both of which are roles that I don’t take lightly and that I appreciate more than I could ever put into words.
Being a wife and a mother isn’t enough for me.
It has taken me a very long time to reach the point where I can admit that. The idea that as a Christian woman I should find my contentment, fulfillment and joy in being a wife, mother and homemaker is a stereotype that I have often felt ashamed of not fitting. I used to wonder if there was something wrong with me because, as much as I love my family and my roles within our home, they have never served to fulfill the empty space in my life.
After seeking God with much anxiety and worry that I was disappointing Him, He finally showed me that my role within my home was never meant to be my only role. He revealed to my heart that He is the writer of all of our stories and that He alone fashioned me together and compiled my being long before I was ever thought of. He knows that these roles that I am in right now don’t even begin to completely scratch the surface of what I dream of doing or being or accomplishing. Admitting that I am not fulfilled by these positions in my life is absolutely okay.
God knew before I came along that I would have the heart of a creative visionary. He gifted that to me and fashioned in me the desire to accomplish, do and be more than a mom and wife. He gave me passions that are rooted way deep down within my being that won’t go away (believe me, I’ve even tried to pray them away). Not all of us are wired the same. Not all of our lives are meant to look identical. What looks right for you doesn’t have to look right for me. While I take my role within our home very seriously and believe it to be the most important thing I will ever do, I don’t find my fulfillment there.
If you’re a mom and a wife and you’re reading this, wondering why you still feel like there’s more for you; why you’re not as over-the-moon-content with your role as a wife and mother; Whether there is something wrong with you because you don’t get that feeling of worth that you once did in your regular job…Let me be the first to reassure you that you are not alone.
Those feelings that you should be doing something more? They’re totally normal. That empty void that once was filled with work or business or your hobbies? It’s okay to miss those things and want to pursue those things. Wanting to be away from your children for a few hours a day to do things that give you energy and make you feel refreshed—whether it’s working out, painting or doing yoga—doesn’t make you a bad mother.
And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance; for you serve the Lord Christ.Colossians 3:23-24
Wherever God has placed you, whatever He has called you to, work at it with all that you are. If you feel like you’ve been called to a wife and a mother, go give 100% of yourself to your position within your home. If you’re a wife and a mother, but feel God wants you to do more, then you give 100% to the things that God has placed on your heart. We were made…created…to give Him all of you because that’s what He deserves.
It isn’t wrong to want something more than changing diapers and folding laundry. You aren’t failing because you aren’t completely fulfilled by being at home with your children all day. You aren’t a bad mom because you chose public school over homeschooling so that you could pursue your other passions during the school hours. Let’s stop putting motherhood into a box and making everyone who doesn’t do it the same way feel less than. We’re all doing the best we can…and that’s enough.
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© 2019 • Courtney Kirkland • Writer, Designer, Creative
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