I'm Courtney...

Disciple. Wife. Mom x Three. Writer. Designer. All around creative. Someone, somewhere made you feel invisible and unseen. I'm here to tell you that you were created for a purpose much bigger than you can comprehend. You are known. It's time to live like it.

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I’ve always struggled with my self-esteem.

This is no secret to anyone who reads this blog. I’ve talked about it openly, admitted that I’m my own worst enemy, and have slowly come to a point where I’ve learned to love myself, accept myself, and embrace the person I was created to be.

But that didn’t come easily.

Or without a breakdown.

I owe my snap back to reality, to Megan Fox.

One of the harshest realities that I had to come to terms with when my son was born, was the fact that I would never have my exact pre-baby body back. Sure, I could get back to my pre-pregnancy weight with a lot of hard work and determination. But, as most of your with children know, your body changes shape entirely after having a kid. Things just don’t sit the way that they used to.

It was my first birthday celebration after the birth of my son…

The husband arranged several weeks in advance for our friend and neighbor, Lisa, to watch our baby boy (who was almost 9 months old). He took my shopping for a new dress, new shoes, mani/pedi and a fresh haircut.

I took two hours getting dressed than night. We were living in Florida, so my skin had a sin-kissed tint to it, my naturally brown hair was streaked with blonde from days out by the pool.

I was feeling pretty fabulous. I was back in my favorite pair of pre-pregnancy jeans (a size 5 from Express). I had picked out a coral and cream sundress that had thin halter straps and a cute pair of matching sandals for the occasion.

My husband told me countless times how beautiful I looked that night. When we dropped the baby off at the neighbors house, she even made the comment that Noah might be a big brother sooner than we had imagined if I wore that dress very often. I was beaming.

Proud of myself for losing the weight and getting back in shape. Confident in my appearance.

It was sure to be a good night.

And then the movie started.

We went to see Transformers 2 (which was my choice…I’m a total action/comic book/superhero movie kind of person).

I don’t know if you guys have seen it, but the directors made sure to include lots of screenshots of Megan Fox in all of her size 2, overly tanned, partially fake glory. Shots from below, behind, and, well you get the point.

Within the first 20 minutes of the film, my confidence was shot. My sweet husband, who had done nothing but tell me how great I looked, became the target of my bad mood. I held his hand lifelessly throughout the film, and spent 99% of the movie comparing myself to her. Everything about her screamed “gorgeous” and I felt like a lump sitting in that theater chair.

When the movie was over we went to Chili’s. My mood had turned so foul that I didn’t even want to eat. My husband ordered my favorite appetizer (those fabulous Bacon & Cheddar Fries…yum) and we sipped mixed drinks. He tried to make conversation, tried to be nice and enjoy our night together…

And there, sitting in a little corner booth, I totally lost it.

Cried into my plate (and all over those perfectly good fries). Totally and completely ruining the evening.

My poor husband didn’t know what was going on; what he had done (or hadn’t done) and didn’t know how to control my meltdown.

I knew I had change.

I had to get a grip.

That this was no way to live my life…hanging my head and comparing myself to everyone that walked by.

Especially someone as Photoshopped as Megan Fox.

I made a deliberate decision that night to learn to love myself in spite of, and because of, my “flaws” and imperfections.

A decision I haven’t strayed from since.

I let Megan Fox Ruin my Birthday


November 2, 2019

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  1. Michelle Parrott

    October 3rd, 2011 at 12:23 am

    Oh my gosh if this doesn’t describe me I don’t know what does. Thank you for pouring out your heart! It makes those of us out there that feel the same way a little better knowing we aren’t sharing this struggle alone.

  2. KK @ the mom diggity

    October 3rd, 2011 at 12:32 am

    Dang you Megan Fox. So funny, because I was watching Transformers today while I was nursing and thinking the same thing!! So often we allow ourselves to compare what we are to others instead of loving ourselves for who we are. We are blessed mamas and I’ll take that over an over tanned size 2 anyday!!

  3. Jessica

    October 3rd, 2011 at 3:37 am

    Darn that Megan Fox! I have done that many times, many many many times. I have problems with my skin so I can’t tan and I have always (I’ve gotten better as I get older because I realize that, for me, it’s be pale or get cancer) compared myself to those that are more tan than I am and that usually goes with those same folks being skinnier than I am too! Geez, I think it’s the media, they did this to us, they made a false reality of what we’re “supposed” to look like…screw you media and Megan Fox!

    Thanks for telling this, I know there are SO MANY out there that relate to you, I know I do!

  4. Suzanne

    October 3rd, 2011 at 5:52 am

    As a mom of three, I feel for you. After 16 years of marriage, this body of mine isn’t getting any better. I think it was only a few years ago I decided to love “what’s left of it” and stop punishing myself for not loving my body earlier (especially when it lacked stretch marks!)

    I have always blamed the media for why us women go through such turmoil, but it’s not like they’re listening. So you’re right! It’s time we realize, we are good enough! 🙂

  5. Ashley Sisk

    October 3rd, 2011 at 6:05 am

    I know what you mean – I try to put stuff like that into the FAKE pile and not take it so seriously. I think she looks trashy though so I guess I don’t care if I look like her. HA HA

  6. angela

    October 3rd, 2011 at 10:33 am

    This is such a struggle for me. I’m glad that you had an epiphany over your (delicious) fries. I try to appreciate my body for what it can do and treat it kindly, but I feel like acceptance of it is a journey I’ll never really finish. I’m working on it, and I will keep this post in mind as I do.

    Thanks for linking at Just Be Enough.

  7. Amy

    October 3rd, 2011 at 3:02 pm

    Oh, Courtney! Thank you for sharing this story. I, too, struggle with my self-esteem (don’t we all in some way?) i LOVE the link to Just Be Enough. I will be checking that out soon!

  8. amy@agoodlife

    October 3rd, 2011 at 4:32 pm

    dude, just think of how much you get to enjoy cookies & ice cream & she doesn’t! i mean, you actually maybe could look like her if you wanted to be completely miserable & live on rice cakes & water. and then spend all kinds of money to have some work done like her too… i think you will probably agree your life is pretty fabulous as is!

  9. Jessica

    October 3rd, 2011 at 4:47 pm

    I am the exact same way and, even though it takes a lot of work, iba learned to make peace with myself and that life is about so much more than what I look like. Glad you are too.

  10. Kathryn

    October 3rd, 2011 at 6:39 pm

    I DO NOT like Megan Fox. For that very reason. I struggle with acne. Really bad acne (it runs in my family) so that has always been something that makes me feel un-beautiful (is that even a word?), but I have learned to just move on, that no one is perfect. God created all of us beautiful, I think you are beautiful on the inside and out and it sounds like your husband thinks so too! 🙂 Glad you were able to make a good decision about this.

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© 2019 • Courtney Kirkland • Writer, Designer, Creative


courtney kirkland

live life known.