I’ve always struggled with my self-esteem.
This is no secret to anyone who reads this blog. I’ve talked about it openly, admitted that I’m my own worst enemy, and have slowly come to a point where I’ve learned to love myself, accept myself, and embrace the person I was created to be.
But that didn’t come easily.
Or without a breakdown.
I owe my snap back to reality, to Megan Fox.
One of the harshest realities that I had to come to terms with when my son was born, was the fact that I would never have my exact pre-baby body back. Sure, I could get back to my pre-pregnancy weight with a lot of hard work and determination. But, as most of your with children know, your body changes shape entirely after having a kid. Things just don’t sit the way that they used to.
It was my first birthday celebration after the birth of my son…
The husband arranged several weeks in advance for our friend and neighbor, Lisa, to watch our baby boy (who was almost 9 months old). He took my shopping for a new dress, new shoes, mani/pedi and a fresh haircut.
I took two hours getting dressed than night. We were living in Florida, so my skin had a sin-kissed tint to it, my naturally brown hair was streaked with blonde from days out by the pool.
I was feeling pretty fabulous. I was back in my favorite pair of pre-pregnancy jeans (a size 5 from Express). I had picked out a coral and cream sundress that had thin halter straps and a cute pair of matching sandals for the occasion.
My husband told me countless times how beautiful I looked that night. When we dropped the baby off at the neighbors house, she even made the comment that Noah might be a big brother sooner than we had imagined if I wore that dress very often. I was beaming.
Proud of myself for losing the weight and getting back in shape. Confident in my appearance.
It was sure to be a good night.
And then the movie started.
We went to see Transformers 2 (which was my choice…I’m a total action/comic book/superhero movie kind of person).
I don’t know if you guys have seen it, but the directors made sure to include lots of screenshots of Megan Fox in all of her size 2, overly tanned, partially fake glory. Shots from below, behind, and, well you get the point.
Within the first 20 minutes of the film, my confidence was shot. My sweet husband, who had done nothing but tell me how great I looked, became the target of my bad mood. I held his hand lifelessly throughout the film, and spent 99% of the movie comparing myself to her. Everything about her screamed “gorgeous” and I felt like a lump sitting in that theater chair.
When the movie was over we went to Chili’s. My mood had turned so foul that I didn’t even want to eat. My husband ordered my favorite appetizer (those fabulous Bacon & Cheddar Fries…yum) and we sipped mixed drinks. He tried to make conversation, tried to be nice and enjoy our night together…
And there, sitting in a little corner booth, I totally lost it.
Cried into my plate (and all over those perfectly good fries). Totally and completely ruining the evening.
My poor husband didn’t know what was going on; what he had done (or hadn’t done) and didn’t know how to control my meltdown.
I knew I had change.
I had to get a grip.
That this was no way to live my life…hanging my head and comparing myself to everyone that walked by.
Especially someone as Photoshopped as Megan Fox.
I made a deliberate decision that night to learn to love myself in spite of, and because of, my “flaws” and imperfections.
A decision I haven’t strayed from since.
© 2019 • Courtney Kirkland • Writer, Designer, Creative
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