I have been struggling with a void lately. I feel like there is a big empty spot in my life and I don’t know where it is coming from or what it is going to take to fill it. It feels something like a sense of “worthlessness” that I just can’t shake.
I am having a hard time finding purpose in my day to day life. Like, I can’t seem to see what, if anything, that I do matters. I know that it does. I just don’t feel like it most days. I lay in bed at night and look back at the day and it’s the same things over and over again. My days are identical. Every.single. day.
I get up, feed Noah breakfast, clean up the breakfast dishes, play and watch cartoons, I blog or check facebook, feed Noah lunch, play some more, nap time, then Josh comes home, he checks his facebook, plays with Noah, and we eat supper or go to church [depending on what day it is] and then we go to bed. And then I get up and do it all over again.
It’s gotten to the point that Josh is starting to notice it. He mentioned earlier that I seemed “bored” with my life. It’s not that I’m really bored with him, or with being a wife or a mother, as much as it is that I’m just not satisfied with myself. Something is missing. I feel like since I got married that I am not me anymore. I don’t ever do anything for myself. I don’t go to school so I’m not pursuing any kind of degree, which leaves me feeling like I’m empty and working for nothing. I’m not working, so I am not bringing in any kind of income to benefit the family…so I still feel like I’m not contributing or doing anything.
I don’t know. I don’t know what to do to fix it. I AM a child of God, so it’s not that he is missing from my life [I know that someone would have brought that up, that’s why I mentioned it]. Maybe he is using this to try to draw me closer to him. But I feel like I don’t always get anything, or much of anything out of the time I spend with him. I pray…I pray alot. I write in a prayer journal several times a week [which I DO need to do that more often], I am trying my hardest to get involved with the church youth group, but being new it’s taking some time to get any of the girls to feel like they know me well enough to open up to me.
It’s just been hard. I am still trying to find the balance of motherhood. I haven’t gotten it down yet. Trying to figure out how to be the good wife and mother without completely losing myself and the things that I want in the process. I never realized that having children was such a sacrifice. Not that I regret having my son at all, because I don’t. But it’s starting to become more and more clear of how simple it is to completely get lost in having a child. How simple it is to put everything that you want for yourself on the back burner, until eventually, you forget what it is that you wanted in the first place.
There is always something that seems to take precedent over “me” time. And right now, I’m just not sure how to get around it. Really. Josh and I are still struggling with how to keep our marriage from going into the rut because of how little time there is. I mean, we aren’t in dire need of counseling or anything. Our marriage isn’t dead. But it’s hard to keep it alive. Even though we’ve only been parents for a year, it is a big change from being alone. A BIG change. That’s one of the things people don’t warn you about when you decide to have a kid. But, it’s worth it. Having a baby did a lot of good for us. Changed a lot of bad habits for the better and made us really realize what we wanted out of life.
Anywho. Just some brain food. Makes me feel better to blog it because I know that someone out there that reads this has to have felt this way at one point or another. And it always makes me feel better to know that I am not alone.