I have always felt like I have never measured up.
Never been as good.
Always in second place…or third…or honorable mention.
The times in my life where I truly felt confident and successful in what I was doing are few and far between. I’ve competed and won pageants in the past; giving myself a self-esteem boost in the physical attributes, but the times when I was confident in me? Confident In more than my looks and poise and the ability to walk in 8 inch heels? Those times are scarce, and still resulted in less than perfect results.
My graphics design class in college… The professor always doted on my creativity and my “talent.” [Though this professor in particular never wore shoes to class…he taught in socks…every. single. day.] But in the end, he gave me a “B” for my final grade.
My Lit Professor, a sweet little black lady named Ms. Turner, always left notes and comments on my papers about my innate ability to decode and unravel the mysteries of literature. [Thanks SparkNotes…] In the end, she too, gave me a “B.”
And my High School Yearbook teacher loooved my efficiency and endless hours of dedication to our Senior Yearbook the year that I was editor. When our Yearbook came back from publishing, the name of the school was printed wrong on the outside binding…therefore tainting the entire book. That was, naturally, the first thing anyone noticed.
Now that I’m out here in the real world—the blog world, the photography world, the design world…I see talent that far exceeds my own and I wonder if I’ll be spending the rest of my life falling short.
I doubt my abilities too often to count. I find myself frustrated at times with others who have made it…especially others who seem less than qualified [Ummm…hello? Snookie and her book deal?]; The people who have this flippant attitude like they don’t care, don’t put in any effort, don’t work for anything. The people who take advantage of the talent they do have.
I consider myself to a be a good person, a person with morals and integrity. I don’t do wrong by others; I don’t intentionally hurt people’s feelings. And I have a drive. A desire. A passion. So why don’t things just fall into place?
I work at this blog. I work to grow it. I work at writing. I practice photography. I make outlines and lists and brainstorm ideas for writing a novel. I do it. I do it every single day. Yet I always feel stuck. Stuck in neutral…like I’ll never move forward. Stuck wondering if this is it? Is this as good as I AM EVER going to be? I love my life. I love my husband. I love my family. The husband supports me and pushes me harder than anyone ever has or will.
But, I want more for me. I want to achieve things. I want to be successful. I want to make a difference. And sometimes I just don’t feel like it will happen. Sometimes, I feel like I’m just going to have to settle for being mediocre…being second best.
And I don’t want to.
I know the bible verses. I know God has a plan. I know he has a purpose. I know that this time of…whatever this period is…will pass and he will pave the way for doors and opportunities to be opened. But I am so tired of waiting. When is it going to be my turn?
What are your tips for battling these feelings?
Because I know that surely I’m not the only person out there who ever has.
Here’s to moving beyond the rut and toward the mountain.
I’m also guest posting today for Courtney over at Perfect Imperfection’s! She’s on a fancy cruise in Mexico…so head over for a second post! If you wanna [and I know that you do!]